One of the questions I get asked repeatedly is “How can I stop comparing my children with their siblings?” so I thought I’d share my words of advice to help parents. Especially at a time when we’re facing more challenges than usual with our children and their confidence.
Comparison among siblings is something that happens surprisingly often within families. Growing up in the same home, sharing similar genetic make-up and having the same opportunities, you’d think that siblings would be the same. Or similar at least. So, it always comes as a surprise to parents that siblings can be quite different from one another.
Right from the outset, it’s natural to compare our children. Humans are creatures of comparison. When it comes to our kids we can compare everything…their eating habits, behaviour, social skills, sporting abilities, friendship groups, and their school grades. To be fair, healthy comparisons may be beneficial – they can motivate and drive a child to perform better.
But there’s a fine line and comparisons, despite best intentions, are often unhealthy and can have a serious effect on children.
What effect does comparing siblings have on children?
Comparisons often come with judgements and expectations. The chances are you’re comparing one child with another because you want the best for them. But constant comparisons can seriously damage a child’s self-esteem. The message the child gets when you tell them to be more like a sibling is that they’re not good enough and this can have a serious impact on their self-esteem.
Through my corporate workshops, school sessions and one to one consultations, parents are increasingly asking me how they can stop comparing their children. They know it isn’t great parenting and that in doing so they are putting added pressure on their kids, who are already on the back foot as a result of home schooling and a year of lockdown, so what actions can we take instead?
How to stop comparing siblings. My top tips.
Tune into the strengths and areas of difficulty amongst your children. Make a note of them if it helps. It’s all about balance - balancing their strengths and areas of concern (we all help them in equal measure!) so that pride in one isn’t read as disappointment in another. Focus on what they can do. Not what they can’t do.
Avoid labels. Don’t talk about your child as ‘the clever one’, ‘the shy one’, ‘the sporty one’. Such labels define and limit children.
Empower your child to make their own decisions whilst gently guiding them. This way each child will develop their own confidence and boost self-esteem.
Teach your children to complement one another rather than it be a competition. Kind words say so much.
We all want happy, healthy children. It’s important that we make them feel valued and important because of who they are, rather than who they are not.
If you’re struggling with parenting right now (please know you’re not alone), get in touch so that we can work together to help your unique child develop confidently at their own natural pace.
